Medically: A Broken Heart

Posted: December 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

I read an article about heartbreak. Apparently the part of the brain that processes heartbreak is the same as the part that processes actual real pain.

Emotional suffering and pain which causes activation of the vagus nerve which cause constriction of the chest and nausea (hence explaining that actual physical pain felt in the chest during moments of acute social rejection or grief). Apparently you can die from heartbreak, when the emotional suffering is too much, the brain releases a chemical that weakens heart tissue this triggering heart attack regardless of risk factors.

Interesting isn’t it? Sometimes I crave for pain to be physical. Living in emotional pain is like living with chronic pain.. Some days it’s bearable, and some days it’s a 10 on the pain scale.

Posted: October 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have always been a very emotional and sensitive person. Things that happen to me, I rarely forget. It sticks in me like a thorn, causing pain endlessly and even when it heals over, it’s always there. I’m always affected by things people say, people do, to me. I CAN’T brush it off. I dwell and dwell and I just don’t get over it.

Sometimes I imagine if I died from suicide. I can already sort of imagine. Person A will be asking Person B, “How come you didn’t know? I thought you were close to her!” and Person B would say “No i wasn’t! I always thought she and Person C were close?” And it goes on and on. Because most people think I have lots of friends, but truth is I have close to none.

“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. “

Robert Frost is my absolute favorite poet. 

Dear Daddy

Posted: October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you? What is going to happen to me if i lose you? What is going to happen to us? You don’t know how much I worry about you, the more I learn in school the more aware I am that we could lose you anytime. It sucks that I’m away from home, and I’m not around to take care of you. I don’t know how everyone pretends it’s okay, no one cares, no one realizes.

Daddy, why is it that you can say to my face, ‘I don’t care, die then die la, I’ve had a hard life so I don’t mind dying’? Don’t you know you guys are what gets me through life? I want to study and be successful all because I want to give you a comfortable life in the future like you’ve never had. I want you to spend your senior years happy and comfortable and I want you to be there at my wedding, be there for my children, and I want them to know what a good grandfather you are.

Daddy you don’t realise how much I’ve grown up. I’m not your little girl anymore, can you let me take care of you instead? Daddy, can you please start listening to me and the doctors instead of being in denial? I know you haven’t been feeling well. I know you just lost one of your friends recently. How can you not be worried about yourself? Don’t you care about me and us?

What’s going to happen if you leave us? I don’t think I’ll even continue school. How can I if you’re the sole breadwinner? Will I leave my family to starve back here if you’re gone? You say ‘I won’t die in this 5 years until you graduate’ but how do you know? What if you’re not there at my graduation?

Haven’t you stopped to think that, if you die, IT WILL BE MY FAULT? I’m a medical student. I’m supposed to have known what steps to take to prevent it. But instead I lived in denial and it was too late for me to intervene. I’m a bad daughter for not having addressed this sooner, because if I had taken action sooner, we might not have lost you, we might not be suffering.

Do you want your death on my head, Daddy? Do you want me to blame myself forever? Don’t let me miss you at the age of 20. Don’t let my brother miss you at age 16. You can’t leave us so early, so please take care of your health. Maybe we haven’t been a good enough family to you. But at least you’ve raised me with love, and done everything for us to be comfortable. Please don’t give up on us now, when your children are about to be able to provide for you and give you a comfortable life.

I know it’s uncomfortable and awkward in this family to discuss such matters. To be emotional. To say I care about you so please take care of yourself. We show our affection by scolding, nagging, and that isn’t the best way to get you to take care of yourself. But now I’m pleading with you Dad, telling you that it’s been hard for us, please don’t make it harder for us.

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you…? If you even had an idea.. Then would you please do this for me for once? Because I’m too young to be the head of the family. I can’t even drive yet. I’m too young for the burden, and we all still need you around. Please, don’t let me worry about you anymore. I love you daddy, and I’m sorry if I’ve failed you or disappointed you. Just give me a chance to make you proud, give me a chance to show you my white coat and give me a chance to let you hear people address me as Dr. Liew. All I ask is that you do it for me, and for us.

Posted: September 20, 2013 in Daily Rain

So I’m sitting in my chair now, post exam, reclining not so much as sitting on my chair in my room where I exist solely for myself and it’s post exams and I still feel like shit.

It’s gotten a lot worse, lately. I feel myself bursting into tears and being emotional at all the oddest times, and I avoid people or feel too disinterested to venture out with them, and regret soon after. I look forward to a time when I can watch a funny video or two and then I can ‘get over it’ and be my usual happy self but it’s taking longer and longer it seems to revive myself back to happy. I used to be able to get over things easily, within the minute and forget about it 20 minutes later. But now I go to sleep and wake up still the same, and it’s taking longer. It’s far too easy for me to get sad, I could be happily singing in the backseat and it only takes a minute to stare out of the window in silence and then all the ugly things pour in again.

Sometimes I wonder why we all exist anyways. The human race is a funny coincidence, trying to live in a world that wasn’t built for them. We’re just a species colonizing the planet like the dinos once did and we’re not special or invincible or anything and one day we’ll all be wiped out and all our pretenses about afterlife or religion or beliefs and theories and philosophies are just what they are: grandiose delusions of a race thinking they’re something more than flesh and water. Sometimes I imagine some photo of a blonde chick sitting by a beach or a meadow looking at some fucking dandelion or shit and the photo looking very REFLECTIVE OF LIFE AND FULL OF DEEP AND THOUGHT-PROVOKING SYMBOLISM and it’s in caps because that’s what the photo screams out to you; to tell you that whoever took it, is in it, who revels in it, who ‘understands’ it, is someone who can see a little bit beyond the tiny window we can look out from into the universe, and that they understand life and humanhood and everything.

I used to think I was special, but I guess I was wrong. No one is special. I had my moments. When I would sometimes zone out at some busy intersection or crowd and then look at all the intricacies of human life as we bump, shove and walk past each other on the way to our respective destinations to carry out some meaningless task which would have little importance or bearing to the world in general; but to us in our sheltered bubble and ecosystem of people going to work and people delivering McDonalds and meeting and responsibilities everyone is expected to go somewhere, all the time. Why are you home on a Friday night; what is your purpose in life? asks a socially active teenager to an awkward one. Why are you unemployed at your age? says a successful businessman to a 30 year old jobless man.

It’s an exquisite ruse, no doubt. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that whatever I’m feeling at the precise moment is the epitome of my life emotions, that the boy who just dumped me and the pain in my heart is what makes me alive because it is the worse pain I have ever felt, and then on further reflection I realise how childish and stupid my emotions are, in relation to everything there is in the world. And no, I don’t fucking mean the starving African children or the dying cancer kids, I am not here to glorify anyone’s pain or emotions; I am here to say that no one’s emotions matter, because on the grand scale of things, nothing we do serves any purpose.

When I think this way, I let all the hopelessness and helplessness pervade my soul like it has never left. To get out of it, I drag myself out and ground myself with thoughts of what to wear and what to do on Saturday night and all my other existential fancies but how can I when I’ve once seen the grand scale of things and now been exposed to the immense reality that nothing matters and nothing is worth it except in our superficial fantasies? And all I want to do is stay in this chair all day long and not have to do anything because we’re all going to die anyways and there’s no fucking bullshit in writing a good story while you walk the earth; it isn’t fucking worth it because the world is messed up and we are a stupid race.

Getting worse

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Sad in the Rain

I hate feeling like I’m dying everything I’m alone. I hate wanting to belong but never belonging. I hate whining on my blog.

It’s some days when I think I’m depressed, when I can’t get out of bed, when the thoughts of darkness and death are pervading my head with every breath and every step. But I don’t think I fit any criteria for depression, except that I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. I’ve stopped wanting to make friends, new or old. I avoid people, I walk back alone, I try not to socialise. I lost my interest in looking good, I’m lazy, I’m not interested. I stopped blogging, stopped trying new things.

It’s amazing how pathetically dependent I am on people.. Just 5 minutes alone and I’m in my granny panties on the floor staring aimlessly at the ceiling close to tears ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. I don’t have hobbies. I spend my time reading, but that can’t sustain me. I need to be around people. I don’t watch shows, or go online, or anything because I feel so empty inside. And this has been going on for a few months. I don’t understand it myself. Most of the times, I’ll get the bf to take me out or just take me home where I’ll happily read blogs, watch shows and read books for 6 hours straight while he does his own things and we don’t even talk and THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between me doing all this alone but I feel comforted by his presence. At least someone is there.

It has grown worse over the past month. It used to be like, if I got home at 5 after class, I’d nap till 8, then go out at 10. Then I’d be home around 12 and do some things for an hour and go to bed at 1 or 2. But now? I can’t even be alone AT ALL. I time my day into segments of “alone” and “not alone”. If class finishes late, I’m secretly glad. I have people to talk to till 5. Yay. If class ends early, like 2pm, I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared of not having plans, or that people will have plans and not ask me.

CONFESSION: I spotted every day we end early in the timetable all the way till November and made special note that few days in advance I should drop hints on wanting to go out after class.

Anyways, now it’s much worse. It used to be that my “loneliness” would get cured if I had plans, even if just for a while. I guess the routine of putting on makeup and clothes and going out then coming home and taking it all off gave me a sense of security, but now? The moment I get in the car to go back home I am filled with dread and covered with cold sweat because the moment I’m back and I shower and get back inside my room the emptiness is back and it keeps me up nights.

That’s why I don’t understand why some people don’t like going out and prefer chilling at home, that’s why people don’t understand why I make so many plans and sometimes don’t keep them. Three invites for the same night? I say yes to all because I’m so afraid the other will cancel on me and then I’ll be alone. Sometimes I’m home at 10 and I’m dead tired and someone calls me out again and I go despite class tomorrow and a pile of homework and being tired and I don’t know why I do this to myself.

Oh, and it’s not all solved by going to the library and being around strangers. Doesn’t work, I’ve tried. And I don’t have any friends to go over and crash for the whole night.

What’s the root of my problem? During weekends without class I find excuses to drink myself silly the night before so I’d wake up late afternoon and half the day would be gone (yay) and that’s half the time I have to be sad and cry and be lonely. I doubt this is healthy and I honestly wish I could stop feeling like this and could just enjoy my own company for once.

Protected: Dear Agony Aunt

Posted: July 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

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Posted: May 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

People think I’m independent and can do things by myself.

Sometimes after class, I loiter around for a while seeing if there’s anyone I can walk back home with. Then sometimes I give up or get impatient and walk back myself.

I think no one knows that during that walk back alone, I’m dying inside the whole time.