Rambling On :)

Posted: March 22, 2011 in LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

Isn’t it strange that the brain is technically the center of feelings, and the heart is just a muscle but when you’re happy, you feel your chest is going to explode with happiness, when you’re nervous you feel your tummy is filled with butterflies, when you’re devastated you feel this huge huge aching hole in your chest?

Isn’t it unfair how when your heart decides to love someone, it doesn’t let go even when holding on only hurts your heart more?

Isn’t it strange that I’m being so unintelligible on the eve of the big day?

Isn’t it strange that today is the 22nd, and it’s supposed to be a special day but nahhh 🙂

And isn’t it strange that reading those can still make me smile, can still fool me into thinking we’re back into that easy, comfortable familiarity, when actually we’re strangers and worlds apart?

Truth is, stuff like this.. You get through it, but you don’t get over it. But hey, it’s life. If I were to die in a car crash tomorrow, I’d at least have had memories that coloured my life, been through some ups and some downs.

I think my first flash of pain was in Primary 5, when some of my classmates didn’t like me. And I was wondering, hurt, how can they not like me? And Primary 6, my first burst of ummm, love? I don’t know what you call it, it was a HUGE crush from a guy who attracted me so much that till today, I have not felt the same feeling of electricity when I touched him, the sweat that literally poured out when we walked together, that skipped heartbeat when he smiled.

Then Form 1, like super depression. I changed myself then, pretended and hid my real self, because there were lies and rumors about me through school. I hated school. And then more crap happened, fights with people, conflict, being backstabbed, and then being heartbroken from your first love. What’s next? Getting fired? Failing school? Death of a relative? I am not being pessimistic.. Just wondering what will come next and how prepared I will be to keep myself from falling apart.

On a totally different note, the mechanics of a hug.. Truth is, a hug is a word for one of the best experiences ever. Hips touching, soft and warm, feeling safe and protected, feeling ( if you’re a girl) his warm skin through his shirt, smelling his scent, and feeling his face in your hair, his hand on your back. (This is for lovers obviously. Not family or friends.)

On another totally different note, I am not a lesbian. But does that mean I’m heterosexual? Hahahahahah. Anyways, the future is uncertain, and beyond the ramblings of this weird post is just a sense of expectation for the future and a sense of loss for the past.

 

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