Melancholy

Posted: March 30, 2011 in LoveShits Rainy Days

Let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, & move on when things aren’t like they were before.

I don’t know what my feelings are anymore. I don’t know if I still love him. I just know I still care and that’s all. I know that though I miss our memories, none of us are the same person and nothing will be like before again. But yeah who am I kidding? If I had one wish I’d still wish we could make it work again somehow. Now it’s back to the way it started, strangers. You talked to me a few times, and those times were so bittersweet. We’re friends now.. It makes me smile when you talk to me, but at the same time, it’s sad. Because how can chatting like that feel normal to me when we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

Anyway, I was going through my phone when I encountered this extremely long text that I typed on the flight back from Singapore, that I was wanting to send to him. Here it goes:

“Hey.. This is really out of place but I just want to propose once more to you. Will you be my boyfriend again? I knw you’ll say no but hear me out.. we used to be really happy though it’s past now. But we’ve both changed and it can be wonderful again. I know you’re very happy now that you don’t have to fight with me, and u have your friends. I guess I still care about you. I was lucky to have been with you. I could be myself and comfortable around you.. Cause you never judged me like I judged you. You know me well,my personality, what I like. You know what makes me sad, you know I love being kissed on the forehead.

I know that our fights have stressed you out till u can’t face me without feeling so stressed. But no matter what, we were always there for each other. I know love can’t be forced. I hope for nothing but moving on is hard when you really loved someone. In the end, I made us so unhappy. I was so emo and expected you to react plus my crap about how you couldn’t go out with me. We had too many obstacles. Yet behind that pain, you can’t deny we had good times. And I lie awake at night with these flashbacks and I tell myself I have to toughen up and stop because it’s useless and you’re over me 100%. I distract myself.. But I guess I still think about you and I just wana let you know how I feel.

It’s nice not to care anymore, not being controlled, and you’re happier now, why would you look back? I’m just a girl telling a guy she still loves him. I still want to sit in your car.. I want to know about your life.. I want to plan our future together. It’s probably too late but I just wanted to ask.. I know you just wana forget me and there are better girls out there but just remember, I’m still in love with you. No matter how you look, or what you do in your life.. I’m always here. Because we used to be lao gong lao po. Sorry this message so long :(“

I read nia I feel so sad for myself. But of course I won’t send it. I don’t want to ruin what friendship we have now. It’s just something he’ll never know. I CAN live without him, I can go on without him, like I’m doing now. Living life. But, it’d be so much better if he still WAS in my life. But some things just won’t work out I guess. He thinks that we just don’t work out.

Lets start over. Who knows? Maybe this time, we won’t mess up.

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