Tables Turning

Posted: May 7, 2011 in Daily Rain, LoveShits Rainy Days, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

I have a friend and she had the tables turned on her as well. A guy who would never leave her and all. Dumped her. Only that one was a civil breakup. Like he still acknowledged their sweet memories. Unlike my story, which involves him never regretting turning his back and never acknowledging the sweet memories ever again.

I’m just a bit scared I won’t find someone better. Because I do deserve better. Since he wasn’t a great boyfriend at all lol.

Anyways today’s emo paragraph is over. I’d just like to blog about how I think sometimes I’m a little screwed up.

Ok I do not kill animals or participate in incest FYI.

Sometimes I think I’m really screwed up because since I’m young, I’ve always contemplated to just kill myself off. Sometimes just for pure curiosity, sometimes when I’m really sad. I’ve been down a few times in my life. Sometimes I think I deliberately induce that depression. I remember when I was 5 or 6, I stood on my balcony and tried to jump down and my mum asked me why and I said I wondered how it felt like to hit the ground. And she dragged me away.

Don’t you think that’s a bit disturbing??

And there was once when I was 10 I was convinced that i was a witch. And I snuck out during full moon and chanted nonsense at the moon. WHEN I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.

I think that’s just really wrong. I mean thank god I didn’t go to worshipping Satan. Because he would so want my tormented soul.

And worse of all… When people die, I laugh. Like for real. This laughter just bubbles out of me and I’d laugh. It’s sick and weird and I don’t know why I’m so screwed up. Like when something really scary happens to someone, I’d laugh also. Like the time my brother hit his head and was unconscious and my mum thought he’d died. I just laughed. I don’t know why my emotions are so inappropriate. I mean I feel sad, but my face just acts by itself in a grin.

Sometimes I imagine myself killing  people too.  Not just people I hate. Just some people that annoy me. Not twisted like chopping them into pieces or eating them.. Just, I want to kill them. Those that I really hate, I have this fantasy when I sneak up to them and chop into their back with an axe and they’d gurgle and die.

That’s sociopathic right? I mean we all say “I want to kill her” but it’s supposed to be figurative right? No one actually pictures it in images in their heads? But that’s super rare. I mean I only get those weird thoughts when I’m really really angry. I’ve been very detached lately.

Do you think I’m possessed by a demon or something? I think I’m sick in the head sometimes but I think everyone has disturbing thoughts once in a while.. Right?

  1. Banzai says:

    I think sometimes I have magic powers , or that pokemon and digimon are real.

    I even had a weird dream where me and some of my schoolmates were in a jungle. And I was like some maniac knifing them in the back 1 by 1 😡

    I even think up scenarios where my enemies / friends / family members would die and what would happen after that .

    About depression , yea sometimes I also like to put myself in that situation .

    • nanaliew says:

      thanks for that. sometimes i think I’m possessed by the demon. I have really weird and yea wrong thoughts. the laughing when people die thing is weird though. i don’t knw why.

  2. Banzai says:

    We both think too much D;

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