I hate blog posts like this.

Posted: May 28, 2011 in Angry in the Rain, Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain

Yet I shall write one of them.

One of those long, rambling posts about life and deep moral issues and emo stuff that sounds like the writer of the blog is going to commit suicide soon.

Well it’s 4.11 am and I have driving lessons at 10 tomorrow. So I should sleep and not crap.

But you see.. It’s my dream to go to New York. Since I’m a 6-year-old toddler I’ve wanted to go there and stay there, and look now.

I can see my road ahead is deadly dull. I’m going to end up in KL, then come back to Kuching and work a dead-end job and suffer a horrible marriage (or be forever alone) and have annoying, ugly Asian kids and become depressed because I have achieved no dreams and commit suicide by 45.

Have I mentioned Librans commit suicide the most?

One day my ugly snotty Asian kid will come home and see Mommy hanging from the ceiling because she never made it to New York. hahaha this is so morbid now.

I sort of ran out of crap to say already.

School is OK I guess, I had my prefect’s interview. It’s holidays now and woooooo I’m not excited.

I’ve come to realise… I’m a desperate girl pushed up in the corner. I just can’t stay here anymore. I CAN’T. It’s not being lonely or heartbroken or whatsoever. I hate it. I’m going crazy. I go home and I hate it. I hate my room, I hate this stupid keyboard, I hate this stupid chair next to me strewn with all my favourite shoes. I hate these walls I’m staring at, I hate the people sleeping in those rooms who are my family but I hate the sound of their voice so much I skip meals.

And I know, when I get in the car and drive around, I hate every single thing I see. I can’t stand it. The fucking flyover. The stupid Civic Centre. The Spring. Gawd, I want to bomb up that cibai building.

I am so sick. I just can’t stay here anymore. I feel so choked up, like I have no room to move or breathe. I just want to be alone, living on my own.

You know what? When I go to the airport (my fave building) and board my plane and fly off, I will just turn off my phone and keep it at that.

Because seriously, I don’t want to make any calls home or whatsoever. The fuck if anyone wonders where I am. I want to be free with no fucking strings attached.

I’ve been so cramped up my whole life, my house is literally a fish market, so is school. I am never just liberated and alone.

So after expressing hatred of home I can’t wait to go off though it’s just KL.

And this is why I will be stuck in a dead-end job forever, because I’ve got no guts to reject this scholarship.

On another opinion, someone did ask me how is my heart now. I was honest for once and said sometimes I’m still not over it and he said “HA? SO LONG EDY WOR??” See, I knew people would react that way. NAHH.

I don’t want to come back even for semester breaks. My idea of happiness now? It’s me, living in my apartment, and my friends all go home and I’m left alone in my apartment and I watch a nice show and eat a plate of hot noodles and it’s just me all by myself.

I want to live like that my whole life. Unless I start to get horny and need company. But even then I won’t need to break my solitude and get a guy. I can always get a vibrator.

To hell with company or friends or family. You know what they’re good for? So when you die, your funeral is a full house. Basically, you’re nice to people, get to know them, just so when you die they’ll attend your party and make it look like you were awesome.

  1. Bryan says:

    Start uni and go meet cute guys and well, you have someone in your life already…

  2. Kevin.W says:

    Since when have you become anti-social?

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