Insecurity

Posted: July 15, 2011 in Daily Rain, Wisdom in Rain

I hate not being able to trust in people. I hate how I only believe the worst in people. How when something good happens, I only doubt it and think the worse of it.

When something is too easy, I think twice. I sometimes just want to make myself totally unavailable to everybody who’s coming after me. I’m a funny girl. I don’t like commitment. I don’t like trusting in people. I don’t like making myself vulnerable to others. I don’t like sharing my feelings with people. I don’t like to be honest about myself because I’m so afraid of judgement.

Sometimes things are just too fast and phrases like “Don’t think too much” and “Go with the flow” (which I get all the time) don’t apply to me. My middle name is Overthinking. Action speaks louder than words? False. Because I need words, and action AND time. Because people and feelings change ALL the time. You never know what’s going to happen. Take a chance? Is it worth it?

I hate being afraid all the time that I’m going to get hurt. I seriously do. Which is why prevention is better than cure. But I can’t seem to stop myself. After all I’m human, and I WANT to believe in the best, but reality and my own self doubting thinking really pours water in my face.

Anyways today very FML. Walked like 3 times from college to my apartment because the bus was wayyy too late. Watched Harry Potter Part 2 ♥

Intense feelings happening. Unsure of where I stand or what I am right now.

I tried so hard to put my heart in his hand last time but I failed. I always thought I had the upper hand and that I was in control and if anything happened, I would be fine and bounce back because I didn’t give in too much. FALSE. Being a typical girl I did give in too much.

I’m not afraid to love again. I’m just afraid I won’t be good enough for anyone because seriously, it feels so. Don’t get those people who cheat and so on. For my mistakes I’m still blaming myself till now. If I had cheated or so on, I wouldn’t live with myself. LOL.

I feel so caught in a whirlwind right now. And I’m so tired and broke every day.

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Comments
  1. A friend says:

    Skepticism in this case is a wise choice. Being questioning / skeptical is NOT always a bad thing.

    Be a skeptic, not a cynic because cynics always expect the worst, skeptics hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

    Believe in altruism 🙂

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