Sick

Posted: July 25, 2011 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

Yes it’s true. Another slightly depressed blog post.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t do it anymore. Or am I just in PMS.

I hate being so broke like this. Makes me understand why some college students go prostitute themselves (not that I would but yeah. ) I always took for granted the food on the table, the newly washed clothes, the familiarity of home. I miss my family. I’m sick of going out everyday, I’m sick of eating bread and crap, I miss home cooked meals and I HATE BEING BROKE.

I can’t even enjoy life like this scrimping over every single penny. It makes me feel like such a miser and depresses me. I like how I can go around and stuff. But I hate how I can just fall asleep for 5 hours in the afternoon and no one will bother to wake me or advise me. I hate how I wake up and stare at the ceiling and think about how life right now is just a bit sad.

True, I have lots of my old classmates here, and I live in a cool apartment in a pretty fun area. People from college are so far awesome. I am quite emotionally satisfied but it’s just that.. Bad things keep happening. I broke a mug and I totally broke down this morning.

In my whole house, I only talk to one housemate, Cassandra. She’s the only one who is friendly enough. The rest are friendly, but distant at the same time. And now I bet they hate me because I posted an angry Facebook status about the dirty dishes in the sink and they think I’m a whiny bitch who can’t tell to their faces.

Sure, what’s wrong? Just go home and stay at room la. Don’t need go out and socialise. But for someone like me who is constantly needing attention and wanting to fit in and not be left out.. It’s hell. They talk every night and laugh and shout and I have no idea how I can join in. And I don’t want to. Sometimes I want my privacy. And yeah. We’re just not on the same wavelength. I’m trying to be friendly but we just DON’T CLICK. I just have no interest in their topics and they also shut me out. I talk about boys, clothes, crude jokes, I bitch. I don’t talk about what they talk about.

I guess I feel neglected and separated and disconnected from my housemates and it sucks because.. I just want to be friends but it seems impossible. Not to portray it like they’re bitches who won’t speak to me because they’re not, but they have things like same shirt together and so on without me (but if they asked me I wouldn’t wear it anyway). Do you get it now? I want to be friends but I just can’t. I have nothing in common with them and I don’t dress the same way and it’s just a bit depressing being shut out.

This is life, lonely. Maybe I am shutting them out but that’s always been my problem. I don’t let people get close. I push them away when they get close because I can’t handle how they can affect me.

In the end, I don’t know what I’m trying to say. At the same time, things have been happening that are too good to be true. So good that if I said it it might jinx it. But at the same time, there are things which ARE too good to be true. Which makes me wonder how long me being happy can last and how much it’ll hurt when it’s over. Which is a scary thought.

Thus ends this depressingly dark cynical post.

PS. And what’s worse is knowing my foundation will be over soon and I’ll be stuck doing something that I don’t want to do. And I will regret it. For life.

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Comments
  1. A friend says:

    Solitude can have positive effects on individuals. One study found that time spent alone tended to improve their cognitive state, such as improving concentration. Furthermore, once the alone time was over, people’s moods tended to increase significantly. Solitude is also associated with other positive growth experiences, religious experiences, and identity building such as solitary quests used in rites of passages for adolescents.

    Believe me, Ena Liew has no problem making friends. Sometimes, just don’t think too much. You can call your parents / your brother, talk to them 🙂 Or go borrow a novel from the library and read.

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