Imperfection

Posted: August 14, 2011 in Sad in the Rain

There are some days when I look at myself in the mirror and I hate my reflection so much, I want to smash the mirror. Because I’m ugly, and chubby and everything looks so ugly, and I’d rather be dead than be so imperfect.

There are some days when I disappoint not only myself, but everyone who cares.. These are days I seriously contemplate just ending it there, but I know if I did, it’d disappoint them more.

There are days when I just don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to face anyone, don’t wanna bother with the charade of putting on a pretty smile and laughing and being bubbly and funny and making small talk and jokes and being friendly and checking my body language (keeping arms and legs uncrossed, palms open) all this shit ends up not worth my time. SO WHAT? So I want people to like me. So much that I lick their asses so much my nose gets stuck in their assholes. BUT FOR WHAT? In the end, everyone finds faults with me, and find some, ANY reason to dislike me, dismiss me, label me, and throw me aside.

It is a competitive hellhole here, and I feel miserable for not having lived up to expectations, or disappointing myself.

I also am trying to lose weight and save money. With discipline, I hope I can. Trying to cut down on meals and snacks and resorting to walking up and down stairs everyday.

The only advantage here is the boys. Never had so many crushes on pretty nerds in my life LOL. What more to say shirtless nerds ♥

But yeah. First I’d have to go back to my previously slim figure before they’d even pay me attention.

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