What changed?

Posted: August 22, 2011 in Daily Rain, Random and Weird in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life?

I have. Yesterday I was in the shower looking at the water swirling down the drain. (I’m not trying to imitate some Zen people or trying to be funny). And I suddenly lost myself. I felt so detached.

Wondering what am I going to do with my life. Wondering about what doors lay open to me, wondering when I shall die, and whether I can die satisfied. I look back and envy my life as a little girl, I was so curious and the world always seemed like a bright, inexhaustible place, where there’ll always be excitement and wonders.

As a little girl, my head went places unexplored. I remember once when I was 5, I wondered, is vision always the right side up? If I turn upside down, would the magic of my eye flip my vision upside down so I still saw the world straight side up? And I curiously wondered, so how do we ever know if we’re upside down or the right way up? I decided to do a little experiment and hung my head down from the edge of the bed. Disappointingly, I saw the world upside down. My theory was disproved. But being a child, I would then go next to the car and try to figure out why it worked. I would go to the drains and wonder why water flows this way and not the other. I had such an inquisitive mind, and I devoured every single piece of information. I believe my 11 year old self was way smarter than now.

At 11, I had read all the classics worth reading, Great Expectations, David Copperfield, Tess of d Ubervilles, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Hamlet, Merchant of Venice, and other contemporary classics. Narnia I read when I was 8, I knew about it long before there was a movie about it. I read books on every thing available, I knew how supermarkets were run ( from produce deparment to sales), I knew how a tractor worked, I knew why elevators went up, I knew why people don’t fly off roller-coasters, I knew which of Jupiter’s moons were fiery and which weren’t. I was… wiser.

And now? I’m like every other girl in the crowd. Just an insignificant speck, threatening to be engulfed by the sea of exceptional people. So why am I such an empty shell now? I miss being a little girl, who saved up money just to buy an edition of Ivanhoe, call me a nerd or whatsoever, but I was happy back then, in my own little world, with my big dreams of changing the world, with my reassurance that I had been born to bring big changes to the world, never doubting that one day I’ll be great.

I didn’t change the world. The world changed me. I have had a fortunate life I know. But I’m just like everybody else. I’m glad I’m not in a war-torn country or dying of famine. Yet, everything seems to lose its meaning. Daily banter with friends, random chit chat, gossip, forgotten as soon as I go to sleep.

I grew up, and lost myself. And I don’t know where that part of me is anymore, whether it’s still there, whether I can ever access it. When I’m brooding about this.. I get so upset.

Do I want to die like this? No. Do I want to die before experiencing or doing something meaningful? No.

I want to know what’s the meaning in my life. I’m always thinking of the bigger picture and how small I am in it, and how life flows by like a stream flows down a mountain. Time flies, and now where am I? Being a shallow, dissatisfied person living life just because it’s NOT BAD.

After thinking all this, I turned off the water and left the shower. That night, I tossed and turned in my sleep, every time sleep crept nearer my thoughts would get more and more jumbled and I’d wake confused. The answer was so close to me every time I drifted away, but never within my reach.

Philosophical much? I know. I don’t understand myself. But this is what goes on in my head, and burdens my shoulders.

I just want to thank that little girl many years ago, who was incredible in every way though she didn’t know it. And I’m sorry the little girl is gone, changed by the cruelty of others, and by the passing of time. Nothing stays the same. I just hope one day my actions will have a ripple in the fabric of this world.

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Comments
  1. I am trying to help you. says:

    You have manyyy things to do, many goals to be achieved. BELIEVE because there’s always hope. Life’s meaningful, it’s a never-ending learning process.
    A rain drop in the desert is a miracle, a plant grows during the dreadful season is a miracle! We see how things work!
    Everyone is special !!! This world is never the same without Ena Liew. Who knows because of you, your friends are happier ?? You have objectives!! Maybe sometimes you feel lost (it’s ok, I feel lost sometimes too).. but the most important thing is to get your confidence back!!

    Listen to me, life’s colourful. One day later, you WILL go to your dream city, NYC and stay there. One day later, you WILL go to Africa…and many more places. BELIEVE in your ABILITY.

    See. Smell. Smile.

    Life’s GOOD

    • nanaliew says:

      HOW YOU KNOW I WANA GO NYC AND AFRICA HAHAHA

      • 23rd August says:

        Just remember that despite cruelty, selfishness, laziness and intolerance of others do to us, there’s much hope left in this world. The best joy we can possibly get is by helping others who are less fortunate than us. Life will still have a purpose. The smile you see on a poorer soul than you when you help them can brighten your day. Dreams can’t be achieved in a day. Working in skyscrapers and going to Africa are not impossible to achieve. You are still young with a brilliant future ahead.

  2. michilicious says:

    the little girl is not gone, Ena! Don’t you realize that, when you are typing this post, you are still that little girl? As u said, when u’re a lil’gal. . u used to seek every answers for every question u had in ur mind. And now you are. . .Wanting to know what’s meaning of your life. 🙂

    Smile because you are different from the others. 🙂

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