Posted: September 2, 2011 in Wisdom in Rain

Without school, Independence Day was uneventful. I miss the celebration it used to be. I’m a very patriotic person, if you count loving to sing patriotic songs as one. Going back tomorrow night! Will miss my aircon.

Went out for ice cream and lunch today, with people I’m likely to either never see again or perhaps next year. Photos soon. I wonder at times, how long can you keep in touch until you come back and realise Kuching is an empty shell that’s forgotten you?

Pardon me. I’m just feeling rather nostalgic. Thinking of the old days. My first day in kindy, then my primary school adventures, my high school escapades, life flies by. I remember how it used to be only February a few months back, and I rotted in my bed for 6 months. It turned into March, then June.. I remember I was in Form 6 during June and I was like wow, half the year is gone.

Well, it’s September now.

I’m only almost eighteen now but back then, turning twelve was already a momentuous year. I never expected (is that the word?) that the day would arrive I’d turn sixteen, seventeen and so on. I read books about these sixteen-year-old teens with awesome night lifes and admire them. Never thinking that I’m already descending into my late teens. And before long, I’ll be 25 and reminiscing about this times.

And now, doing all those things mean nothing to me already. I remember how excited I was when I was eleven or so? To move out of home, to get drunk for the first time, my first pair of killer heels. And now? It’s just not as miraculous and wow. I try things for the first time and I don’t even feel that amazement and curiosity that makes me, me, anymore. I remember when I was a kid, 20 bucks was a huge sum of money. I had to collect for days for that. And now? I spend 20 bucks in the space of a lunch hour.

Of course I’ve come to realise both how lucky and unlucky my life has been. I’m grateful that I can think and stand on my own two feet, in fact I think it’s what I’ve always been meant to do. After just a mere two months, I know that I can’t do it anymore. Never again will I be able to just come back and pretend I never left. I realised I like being alone. I want to live on my own. I want my own little bubble where NO ONE, can tell me what to do, and I can be myself and only me. I’m grateful that I at least know what I want my life path to be like, despite my indecisiveness. I’m grateful that even if I never achieve my dreams, at least I had these dreams in the first place.

At the age of 4, I declared that I would be the single one girl who would change the world. How funny it seems now. I remember my cocky 7-year-old self going around saying how I knew I would be great and successful and famous from the day I was born and how I’d be the prime minister and so and so. How I announced in Primary One that my ambition was to be the PM of Malaysia ( “tidak boleh la Ena, hanya untuk orang Melayu sahaja”, said my teacher.)

How I wish that I could go back then, when I knew with such certainty that I would be great and live a full life. Now, life is uncertain, rocky and full of challenges. How I wish just for one more afternoon of untroubled, unburdened childhood, where everything was purely magical, where I could spend afternoons with thoughts in my head, about who lives in clouds, and make up elaborate stories about how I’d go to Tokyo and meet Doraemon. TRUE STORY. But I know you can’t live missing the past.

I never knew how it felt to be older, wiser but more weary. If I reach 70, I hope my life will be full of rich stories, experiences, and have no regrets 🙂

A good hair day.

  1. Andrew Jaden says:

    Aww so innocent XP

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