5.08 pm

Posted: October 9, 2011 in Wisdom in Rain

So I had a near death experience.

I’m sure it wouldn’t count compared to being resuscitated from drowning or what but I really, really saw my life flash before my eyes. I was in a rush to cross the road as usual, and didn’t notice a car was coming from a turn to the right. As I dashed across, I saw the car’s white bumper rush larger and larger towards me, and I just froze in the middle of the road and I saw images in my head, from my earliest memory at 3 years old, to primary school, to now. I didn’t want to die.

I didn’t wanna die unloved, ignored, and uncared for.

Then I heard the screeching of brakes, and the car’s engine died. The driver was getting out of the car, and I just ran and ran and ran.

That was the scariest experience I have ever had. I have never felt so close to death as I did. I’m lucky to be alive.

Anyhow, among my many last thoughts were the fact that just a month ago, I was so happy here and now, I’m feeling so alone. I feel like I have no one (but him). And it’s a sucky feeling. Have you ever felt like you don’t have a friend in the world? A close friend? That’s the feeling I’m feeling now. And it’s just ironic how happy and connected and many-friends-I-have feeling I had just a few short weeks before.

It’s my birthday in 4 days, and I’m alone.

Sometimes, I miss primary school. Though I was young, immature, and there were some people who didn’t like me (Story behind that one) there was no backstabbing, no unbearable meanness, and I had the best knit friends ever, and we swore to never part and always be together till death do us part. Then age changed us, to be cynical, to be distant, to grow apart, to scoff at silly promises, to stop calling, to stop remembering that dream and that promise.

People say I’m friendly. Then why don’t they like me?

I bade goodbye to my Uncle’s maid just now. He went to Genting from Singapore and his maid was there. She’s my age and her contract expires on the 18th. She’s going home to Indonesia. She told me, when I was there, how much she missed home and so on. And I gave her a hug just now, telling her goodbye and take care. I knew that it’d be the last time I’d ever see her again.

If only I had known it would be the last time I would see these people, I’d have said something. Done something. If I had known it would be the last time I’d ever see Pam again, I’d have told her I’m sorry I would stop calling. If I had known it would be the last time I’d see Rach, I’d tell her that though we all would change, I’d always love her like that best friend I’ll never have again.

If I had only known it was the last time I’d ever see you.

It’s so hard to open up to people nowadays. So hard to bond and trust. It’s easy, for me to smile and act silly and engage in conversation with someone, and talk earnestly till morning, but it’s hard for me to wake up the next day knowing full well that person could totally backstab me or perhaps totally forget whatever we shared, like people our age do. We bond, then forget we ever bonded because there’s some hierarchy involved.

It’s always hard for me to let things go. Always. I always carry everything I hold dear, close inside. I still do, to this day. This is why I feel so heavy so many times. I’m tired. My heart aches from the burdens. My mind grieves for what is lost. My steps are getting smaller and smaller, because it’s hard to go on.

Sometimes I wonder when I’ll sink from all this, when it grows so heavy I can’t hold myself up anymore.

It’s like watching a leaf spiral down from a branch, as it lets go of where it has always lived, it spins and spins and at first there’s something carefree to it, like it’s happy to be free, then you realise its desperate to go back, but it’s too late as gravity drags it, spinning to the ground, because it’s simply too heavy to hold on to the tree anymore. Or maybe, the tree just wants to relieve its burdens, shedding memories as it goes.

Read between the lines.

  1. A friend says:

    No matter you believe me or not, I still see you as one of my closest friends. I don’t know what happened between you and your friends. And I can’t help you, either. Just don’t wanna get stuck between you and our friends. So yeah, just be mentally tough and hope you’ll be ok soon.

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