Self Reflections

Posted: April 18, 2012 in Happy in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

I hate how I always think I am better than people. My one year here in college has humbled me down a lot but at the same time I still feel like I judge people too much.

Not to say judge people, but I categorise someone instantly. Into smart, ambitious, or into fun-loving and irresponsible. Some fall in the middle. Sometimes I feel I am too intense for myself. Every day of my life I am reminded of what I want to achieve in the next 10 years, of how life would be. I spend too much of the present obsessing about the future and how much I want to leave a mark on the world. I’m one of those people (like Voldemort) who would do anything for immortality. Because I simply do not want to leave this world.

Sometimes I envy those fun-loving people who seem to have no worries or cares beyond the immediate moment or maybe tomorrow. I’ve never had that life. I have been strictly controlled with no free will on my own until recently, and I wonder how I would be if I had been given so much opportunity for fun as they have while I was growing up.

Nevertheless, this is one aspect of myself I’d like to change because I feel like it’s not healthy to objectify and label people.

Anyways, I received some pretty good news lately. Honestly, I’ve been living in fear all this while. Living with regrets over my choice for the future. Wondering if in 5 years time, I would look back and regret upon my choices and be envious of those who are living my dream just because of a stupid mistake I made. It feels like I’ve been given a second chance to redeem myself and make everyone proud now though. Though it’s not a sure thing, yet hope is there now. I don’t have to walk through Monash with a heavy heart staring at the building I wonder if I would ever set foot in, or looking at my friends and wondering if they would forget me if we parted ways. I’m very glad now that I know what I want to do, I have the chance to do it. Indeed it feels like a silver lining behind my cloud. Suddenly all my pain and problems this past few months seem hardly worth mentioning, because finally what matters most in the long run looks promising. 🙂

Also, I have realised that to love, is to be selfless, and let a person go so that they will be happy. To smile when they are happy, instead of wondering why you are not their happiness, is courage, and that’s called love.



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