Posted: July 8, 2012 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

Some times I wonder if I’m making a big mistake.

Part of me knows this is the right things to do, chasing my dreams so I don’t regret in the future. Of course I feel scared. What if I don’t get my offer and I end up with nothing? Or if I don’t get my offer and waste my 8 months without even something to look forward to? I keep thinking, I’d be back in KL next week if it wasn’t for me wanting to change courses. And I tell myself that’s just an 8 month obstacle I have to face in order to achieve my dreams in the coming years. But it is HARD.

I guess I’m glad I never went overseas for an education. Can you imagine? Moving to KL alone makes me feel this way, and I can go back regularly. If I studied in another country and came back guess how lonely and nostalgic I would be? This is plain torture. Maybe not for anyone else. But my life here at home is very cooped up, and added with my constant need to be around people it is my own problem for being this unhappy. Some people who can drive, have car, have money, or have lenient parents, even enjoy being back home. But everytime I’m home after a few days I just want to get back OUT there.

So I keep thinking of the months ahead, the lonely hard months. Somehow I wish I was living in a cramped apartment in KL, working my ass off being broke, and it would still be better than being home. At least there, I feel wanted. Over here, I feel that everyone has forgotten about me and moved on. It’s like how when you stand in the sand, there’s your footprints in the sand, but when the tide shifts that special niche that belonged to you is gone and swept away.

I have no idea why these months ahead seem so dark and despairing.. Loss of freedom? I find myself some days wanting to just go back to the old course and just going back where I belong instead of chasing my dream, and I have to stop myself.. Sigh..

I’m really unhappy.


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