Lonely/Pathetic

Posted: July 30, 2012 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

Today I think i might talk about something not many people know about me.

It struck me today that I don’t really have many close friends. And I wonder why is that? What is wrong with me?

Forgive me if you are a close friend who is reading this, but I do feel very lonely this time.

I attributed it at first to my attitude before. I always had difficulty forming close intimate bonds. I have commitment issues. I used to mock those people with the friendship bracelets and so on but thinking back, maybe I was jealous.

I’ve never really had a best friend. Since I was 12? I never had a best friend. And that makes me feel lonely.

I have friends who are shy/quiet/ reclusive/not really a mushy wushy person either but they have a safely comfortable family of friends to call their own.

I’m not really saying I want a clique.. More like, if I got married next week, I’d have no one to be my bridesmaids. I’ve formed almost no lasting close friendships. I don’t have any lifelong old friends that I’ve kept in touch with. Maybe I’m to blame because I didn’t make an effort to keep in touch. Everyone who was a close friend is either busy, we don’t hang out anymore, they hang out with new people now, or we just don’t have much common ground to talk about anymore.

Perhaps I’ve changed and so has everyone.

In college? I feel that I have lots of friends. I’m friendly and I enjoy people’s company. But when it comes to the close details, I am always left out. People don’t ask me to their outings. It puzzles me. We seem to talk so much and have so much to talk about.. But when it comes to this or that, I am never the one who is called.

I know it sounds pathetic. But I don’t know. If it’s just I haven’t met the right friends yet or maybe it’s something to do with my personality that people can’t get close to. I don’t enjoy communicating as in texting, skyping and so on, so you can hardly count on me to reply texts with friends and so on. I barely even text my own boyfriend, I don’t like texting or chatting either. I like just meeting up and talking face to face. Maybe that’s why? I am always scared to open up to people.. I am scared people will judge me. Like how I used to lie when I was younger cause I was poorer than my friends and didn’t want people to know. But it feels that even when I try to open up, nothing comes of it.

People do see me as someone who dislikes being grouped with a group of friends too I feel. They see me as someone who enjoy being independent and etc. But at times, I just want at least one friend I can count on to not feel awkward with, to not leave me out, to be able to talk to about ANYTHING, to care about me and to be there for me if I wake up in the middle of the night in tears.

Until now, I don’t know what is wrong with me which hinders people from seeing me as a close, true friend. Can someone enlighten me? I never try to be offensive or overly sarcastic.. Yet I find that no one places me of importance in their life. What is that barrier around me? Do I put up a wall around people which prevents people from befriending me? I know I’m not the easiest person. When I’m in a good mood, I talk nonstop, but when I’m upset or what, I’m a very quiet person. I might have a few awkward silences of my own and I have difficulty spending too much time with people.. If i go out all night and all day with the same person (even boyfriend) I feel very smothered. At home, after socialising a few hours I need to lock up alone in my room for a while. But I know a lot of people like that too, but they all have close best friends.

Maybe I just haven’t met the right group of people with the same thinking and interests? I don’t know. I’ve long accepted that no matter how hard I try to be smart, funny or nice and likeable, I’m just not a charismatic person who is liked by first sight, aka “ren jian ren ai.” I know people whom everyone immediately likes and immediately wants to call out to every outing , whereas I remain one of those that people like, just never see as of any weightage.

I only pray one day that I am able to make lasting bonds and be able to be those people on Facebook I am so jealous of with all their “I am so lucky to have these friends!”

I feel seriously lonely. I’ve tried to stay in touch but it seems that I have to be the one making tremendous effort to call people out and I am still constantly left out. There comes a time when I give up asking people out and waiting to see if they would even think about me enough to want to see me.

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