Birthdays

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Wisdom in Rain

My impending birthday fills me with dread.

I remember a few years back when every year I would be filled with wonder and that self-assured smugness that for one day, even if nobody else knew it, the world revolved around me. I did not care if anyone was going to be happy about it, but I was happy about it. I would yap on endlessly telling everybody, counting down obsessively. But now, I dread it, I fear it.

Why? Is it because of the growing expectation and silly rituals associated with a birthday? Or is it simply because I am self-conscious enough to know nobody gives a fuck.

I would like to pretend the day doesn’t happen and go on with my life. Please postpone my birthday for just one year, can that happen?

Honestly I trust nobody at all.

No one. I only trust myself alone.

No friends are trusted enough. Not even my boyfriend.

Because I know once anyone knows for real what/how I think, how life looks like from my vantage point, it will drive them all away.

I feel very empty nowadays. I only know how to go on living and breathing and shitting and dreaming, but I realize, I’m one year closer to death. As I type this, I am minutes closer and closer to death.

And I wonder how it will seem like when I have only minutes left, will life be different then? How ironic if the greyness of life turns colourful when it is draining out at the last moment.

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