Posted: January 13, 2013 in Sad in the Rain

Have you ever felt an intense feeling of self hate? When you look in the mirror and you just hate and hate on your appearance.

I feel so threatened all the time by pretty people, I look up to them and loathe them at the same time. Growing up I have always felt so ugly. I’m extraordinarily small and skinny and unattractive, and I still have these anxiety issues all the time even now. I can’t walk in public places alone. I am petrified, and I feel everyone is STARING AT ME, and I can’t put one feet ahead of the other, I trip over my own feet, and I don’t know what to do with my own arms, do I swing them? put them in my pockets?

It’s the stupidest thing you’ve heard right? Forgetting how to walk when you’re anxious. How about forgetting to breathe? I’m always so breathless when talking to strangers because I forget to breathe. I can never relax, I am always so anxious. I’m not sure if I’m bordering on anxiety disorders. I used to have panic attacks when I was growing up, from 8 till I was 15. I had these QUIET attacks where the world seems so scary all of a sudden, and my stomach muscles clench up and then I will ball my fists tightly and try to breathe till the feeling passes. And no one knows, except for the few times it happened in a mall with my family, and my mum was calling me and I was just frozen in spot.

I sound like a nutjob. I have these little quirks which I’m not sure are OCD or whatsoever, like I need to count the number of streetlights on each street when I drive down one of them. Or the fact that when I’m watching something I memorise the subtitles and if I don’t get it in my head I replay and replay the scene and only proceed to the next scene when I’ve got it memorised in me. That is why I take so long to finish a series, and also the reason why I like going to movies or watching TV, because no one can slow it down for me so I relax and enjoy it instead of being anal. Sometimes the subs are so bad in cinemas that I actually relax because they are so bad I wouldn’t understand them anyways.

I don’t like smiling because I hate my teeth. I have horrible, ugly, deformed teeth and I wish I never had to open my mouth because I look so pretty when my mouth is closed. I had a bad orthodontic experience growing up, had too many teeth extracted, and I didn’t know better. My family never considered braces either. I have big buckteeth. One of my worst problems has been corrected: a 60degree rotation of one of my front teeth, but still it’s not a pretty sight. I think people are appalled when they see my teeth, and some ask me if I smoke, and it takes every ounce I have not to cover my mouth and run away, but I just say “No, these are just natural stains from my sucky ass genetics” and smile with my mouth closed.

I have an ugly nose, a flat chest, no height to call mine, and in fact there’s not one thing I like about myself. I have an ugly neck, ugly limbs, ugly fingers and toes, and I wish if I was to be reincarnated I would be born into the body of a better-looking person, because sometimes I feel it’s all that matters, when you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

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Comments
  1. anonymous says:

    Honestly, You are beautiful. Believe it.

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