Getting worse

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Sad in the Rain

I hate feeling like I’m dying everything I’m alone. I hate wanting to belong but never belonging. I hate whining on my blog.

It’s some days when I think I’m depressed, when I can’t get out of bed, when the thoughts of darkness and death are pervading my head with every breath and every step. But I don’t think I fit any criteria for depression, except that I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. I’ve stopped wanting to make friends, new or old. I avoid people, I walk back alone, I try not to socialise. I lost my interest in looking good, I’m lazy, I’m not interested. I stopped blogging, stopped trying new things.

It’s amazing how pathetically dependent I am on people.. Just 5 minutes alone and I’m in my granny panties on the floor staring aimlessly at the ceiling close to tears ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. I don’t have hobbies. I spend my time reading, but that can’t sustain me. I need to be around people. I don’t watch shows, or go online, or anything because I feel so empty inside. And this has been going on for a few months. I don’t understand it myself. Most of the times, I’ll get the bf to take me out or just take me home where I’ll happily read blogs, watch shows and read books for 6 hours straight while he does his own things and we don’t even talk and THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between me doing all this alone but I feel comforted by his presence. At least someone is there.

It has grown worse over the past month. It used to be like, if I got home at 5 after class, I’d nap till 8, then go out at 10. Then I’d be home around 12 and do some things for an hour and go to bed at 1 or 2. But now? I can’t even be alone AT ALL. I time my day into segments of “alone” and “not alone”. If class finishes late, I’m secretly glad. I have people to talk to till 5. Yay. If class ends early, like 2pm, I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared of not having plans, or that people will have plans and not ask me.

CONFESSION: I spotted every day we end early in the timetable all the way till November and made special note that few days in advance I should drop hints on wanting to go out after class.

Anyways, now it’s much worse. It used to be that my “loneliness” would get cured if I had plans, even if just for a while. I guess the routine of putting on makeup and clothes and going out then coming home and taking it all off gave me a sense of security, but now? The moment I get in the car to go back home I am filled with dread and covered with cold sweat because the moment I’m back and I shower and get back inside my room the emptiness is back and it keeps me up nights.

That’s why I don’t understand why some people don’t like going out and prefer chilling at home, that’s why people don’t understand why I make so many plans and sometimes don’t keep them. Three invites for the same night? I say yes to all because I’m so afraid the other will cancel on me and then I’ll be alone. Sometimes I’m home at 10 and I’m dead tired and someone calls me out again and I go despite class tomorrow and a pile of homework and being tired and I don’t know why I do this to myself.

Oh, and it’s not all solved by going to the library and being around strangers. Doesn’t work, I’ve tried. And I don’t have any friends to go over and crash for the whole night.

What’s the root of my problem? During weekends without class I find excuses to drink myself silly the night before so I’d wake up late afternoon and half the day would be gone (yay) and that’s half the time I have to be sad and cry and be lonely. I doubt this is healthy and I honestly wish I could stop feeling like this and could just enjoy my own company for once.

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