Posted: September 20, 2013 in Daily Rain

So I’m sitting in my chair now, post exam, reclining not so much as sitting on my chair in my room where I exist solely for myself and it’s post exams and I still feel like shit.

It’s gotten a lot worse, lately. I feel myself bursting into tears and being emotional at all the oddest times, and I avoid people or feel too disinterested to venture out with them, and regret soon after. I look forward to a time when I can watch a funny video or two and then I can ‘get over it’ and be my usual happy self but it’s taking longer and longer it seems to revive myself back to happy. I used to be able to get over things easily, within the minute and forget about it 20 minutes later. But now I go to sleep and wake up still the same, and it’s taking longer. It’s far too easy for me to get sad, I could be happily singing in the backseat and it only takes a minute to stare out of the window in silence and then all the ugly things pour in again.

Sometimes I wonder why we all exist anyways. The human race is a funny coincidence, trying to live in a world that wasn’t built for them. We’re just a species colonizing the planet like the dinos once did and we’re not special or invincible or anything and one day we’ll all be wiped out and all our pretenses about afterlife or religion or beliefs and theories and philosophies are just what they are: grandiose delusions of a race thinking they’re something more than flesh and water. Sometimes I imagine some photo of a blonde chick sitting by a beach or a meadow looking at some fucking dandelion or shit and the photo looking very REFLECTIVE OF LIFE AND FULL OF DEEP AND THOUGHT-PROVOKING SYMBOLISM and it’s in caps because that’s what the photo screams out to you; to tell you that whoever took it, is in it, who revels in it, who ‘understands’ it, is someone who can see a little bit beyond the tiny window we can look out from into the universe, and that they understand life and humanhood and everything.

I used to think I was special, but I guess I was wrong. No one is special. I had my moments. When I would sometimes zone out at some busy intersection or crowd and then look at all the intricacies of human life as we bump, shove and walk past each other on the way to our respective destinations to carry out some meaningless task which would have little importance or bearing to the world in general; but to us in our sheltered bubble and ecosystem of people going to work and people delivering McDonalds and meeting and responsibilities everyone is expected to go somewhere, all the time. Why are you home on a Friday night; what is your purpose in life? asks a socially active teenager to an awkward one. Why are you unemployed at your age? says a successful businessman to a 30 year old jobless man.

It’s an exquisite ruse, no doubt. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that whatever I’m feeling at the precise moment is the epitome of my life emotions, that the boy who just dumped me and the pain in my heart is what makes me alive because it is the worse pain I have ever felt, and then on further reflection I realise how childish and stupid my emotions are, in relation to everything there is in the world. And no, I don’t fucking mean the starving African children or the dying cancer kids, I am not here to glorify anyone’s pain or emotions; I am here to say that no one’s emotions matter, because on the grand scale of things, nothing we do serves any purpose.

When I think this way, I let all the hopelessness and helplessness pervade my soul like it has never left. To get out of it, I drag myself out and ground myself with thoughts of what to wear and what to do on Saturday night and all my other existential fancies but how can I when I’ve once seen the grand scale of things and now been exposed to the immense reality that nothing matters and nothing is worth it except in our superficial fantasies? And all I want to do is stay in this chair all day long and not have to do anything because we’re all going to die anyways and there’s no fucking bullshit in writing a good story while you walk the earth; it isn’t fucking worth it because the world is messed up and we are a stupid race.

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