Dear Daddy

Posted: October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you? What is going to happen to me if i lose you? What is going to happen to us? You don’t know how much I worry about you, the more I learn in school the more aware I am that we could lose you anytime. It sucks that I’m away from home, and I’m not around to take care of you. I don’t know how everyone pretends it’s okay, no one cares, no one realizes.

Daddy, why is it that you can say to my face, ‘I don’t care, die then die la, I’ve had a hard life so I don’t mind dying’? Don’t you know you guys are what gets me through life? I want to study and be successful all because I want to give you a comfortable life in the future like you’ve never had. I want you to spend your senior years happy and comfortable and I want you to be there at my wedding, be there for my children, and I want them to know what a good grandfather you are.

Daddy you don’t realise how much I’ve grown up. I’m not your little girl anymore, can you let me take care of you instead? Daddy, can you please start listening to me and the doctors instead of being in denial? I know you haven’t been feeling well. I know you just lost one of your friends recently. How can you not be worried about yourself? Don’t you care about me and us?

What’s going to happen if you leave us? I don’t think I’ll even continue school. How can I if you’re the sole breadwinner? Will I leave my family to starve back here if you’re gone? You say ‘I won’t die in this 5 years until you graduate’ but how do you know? What if you’re not there at my graduation?

Haven’t you stopped to think that, if you die, IT WILL BE MY FAULT? I’m a medical student. I’m supposed to have known what steps to take to prevent it. But instead I lived in denial and it was too late for me to intervene. I’m a bad daughter for not having addressed this sooner, because if I had taken action sooner, we might not have lost you, we might not be suffering.

Do you want your death on my head, Daddy? Do you want me to blame myself forever? Don’t let me miss you at the age of 20. Don’t let my brother miss you at age 16. You can’t leave us so early, so please take care of your health. Maybe we haven’t been a good enough family to you. But at least you’ve raised me with love, and done everything for us to be comfortable. Please don’t give up on us now, when your children are about to be able to provide for you and give you a comfortable life.

I know it’s uncomfortable and awkward in this family to discuss such matters. To be emotional. To say I care about you so please take care of yourself. We show our affection by scolding, nagging, and that isn’t the best way to get you to take care of yourself. But now I’m pleading with you Dad, telling you that it’s been hard for us, please don’t make it harder for us.

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you…? If you even had an idea.. Then would you please do this for me for once? Because I’m too young to be the head of the family. I can’t even drive yet. I’m too young for the burden, and we all still need you around. Please, don’t let me worry about you anymore. I love you daddy, and I’m sorry if I’ve failed you or disappointed you. Just give me a chance to make you proud, give me a chance to show you my white coat and give me a chance to let you hear people address me as Dr. Liew. All I ask is that you do it for me, and for us.

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