Archive for the ‘Sad in the Rain’ Category

Getting worse

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Sad in the Rain

I hate feeling like I’m dying everything I’m alone. I hate wanting to belong but never belonging. I hate whining on my blog.

It’s some days when I think I’m depressed, when I can’t get out of bed, when the thoughts of darkness and death are pervading my head with every breath and every step. But I don’t think I fit any criteria for depression, except that I’ve lost interest in a lot of things. I’ve stopped wanting to make friends, new or old. I avoid people, I walk back alone, I try not to socialise. I lost my interest in looking good, I’m lazy, I’m not interested. I stopped blogging, stopped trying new things.

It’s amazing how pathetically dependent I am on people.. Just 5 minutes alone and I’m in my granny panties on the floor staring aimlessly at the ceiling close to tears ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. I don’t have hobbies. I spend my time reading, but that can’t sustain me. I need to be around people. I don’t watch shows, or go online, or anything because I feel so empty inside. And this has been going on for a few months. I don’t understand it myself. Most of the times, I’ll get the bf to take me out or just take me home where I’ll happily read blogs, watch shows and read books for 6 hours straight while he does his own things and we don’t even talk and THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between me doing all this alone but I feel comforted by his presence. At least someone is there.

It has grown worse over the past month. It used to be like, if I got home at 5 after class, I’d nap till 8, then go out at 10. Then I’d be home around 12 and do some things for an hour and go to bed at 1 or 2. But now? I can’t even be alone AT ALL. I time my day into segments of “alone” and “not alone”. If class finishes late, I’m secretly glad. I have people to talk to till 5. Yay. If class ends early, like 2pm, I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared of not having plans, or that people will have plans and not ask me.

CONFESSION: I spotted every day we end early in the timetable all the way till November and made special note that few days in advance I should drop hints on wanting to go out after class.

Anyways, now it’s much worse. It used to be that my “loneliness” would get cured if I had plans, even if just for a while. I guess the routine of putting on makeup and clothes and going out then coming home and taking it all off gave me a sense of security, but now? The moment I get in the car to go back home I am filled with dread and covered with cold sweat because the moment I’m back and I shower and get back inside my room the emptiness is back and it keeps me up nights.

That’s why I don’t understand why some people don’t like going out and prefer chilling at home, that’s why people don’t understand why I make so many plans and sometimes don’t keep them. Three invites for the same night? I say yes to all because I’m so afraid the other will cancel on me and then I’ll be alone. Sometimes I’m home at 10 and I’m dead tired and someone calls me out again and I go despite class tomorrow and a pile of homework and being tired and I don’t know why I do this to myself.

Oh, and it’s not all solved by going to the library and being around strangers. Doesn’t work, I’ve tried. And I don’t have any friends to go over and crash for the whole night.

What’s the root of my problem? During weekends without class I find excuses to drink myself silly the night before so I’d wake up late afternoon and half the day would be gone (yay) and that’s half the time I have to be sad and cry and be lonely. I doubt this is healthy and I honestly wish I could stop feeling like this and could just enjoy my own company for once.

Posted: January 13, 2013 in Sad in the Rain

Have you ever felt an intense feeling of self hate? When you look in the mirror and you just hate and hate on your appearance.

I feel so threatened all the time by pretty people, I look up to them and loathe them at the same time. Growing up I have always felt so ugly. I’m extraordinarily small and skinny and unattractive, and I still have these anxiety issues all the time even now. I can’t walk in public places alone. I am petrified, and I feel everyone is STARING AT ME, and I can’t put one feet ahead of the other, I trip over my own feet, and I don’t know what to do with my own arms, do I swing them? put them in my pockets?

It’s the stupidest thing you’ve heard right? Forgetting how to walk when you’re anxious. How about forgetting to breathe? I’m always so breathless when talking to strangers because I forget to breathe. I can never relax, I am always so anxious. I’m not sure if I’m bordering on anxiety disorders. I used to have panic attacks when I was growing up, from 8 till I was 15. I had these QUIET attacks where the world seems so scary all of a sudden, and my stomach muscles clench up and then I will ball my fists tightly and try to breathe till the feeling passes. And no one knows, except for the few times it happened in a mall with my family, and my mum was calling me and I was just frozen in spot.

I sound like a nutjob. I have these little quirks which I’m not sure are OCD or whatsoever, like I need to count the number of streetlights on each street when I drive down one of them. Or the fact that when I’m watching something I memorise the subtitles and if I don’t get it in my head I replay and replay the scene and only proceed to the next scene when I’ve got it memorised in me. That is why I take so long to finish a series, and also the reason why I like going to movies or watching TV, because no one can slow it down for me so I relax and enjoy it instead of being anal. Sometimes the subs are so bad in cinemas that I actually relax because they are so bad I wouldn’t understand them anyways.

I don’t like smiling because I hate my teeth. I have horrible, ugly, deformed teeth and I wish I never had to open my mouth because I look so pretty when my mouth is closed. I had a bad orthodontic experience growing up, had too many teeth extracted, and I didn’t know better. My family never considered braces either. I have big buckteeth. One of my worst problems has been corrected: a 60degree rotation of one of my front teeth, but still it’s not a pretty sight. I think people are appalled when they see my teeth, and some ask me if I smoke, and it takes every ounce I have not to cover my mouth and run away, but I just say “No, these are just natural stains from my sucky ass genetics” and smile with my mouth closed.

I have an ugly nose, a flat chest, no height to call mine, and in fact there’s not one thing I like about myself. I have an ugly neck, ugly limbs, ugly fingers and toes, and I wish if I was to be reincarnated I would be born into the body of a better-looking person, because sometimes I feel it’s all that matters, when you can look in the mirror and like what you see.

Vanished Dreams

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Sad in the Rain

What started as a foolish dream as a child.. Now hurts so much, knowing I’ve never been further from my dream. It hurts to have an aspiration as young as 3, and to know for certain when you’re 18, that it is never going to happen. Poised for an eternity of being here.

My dream was to be a journalist in New York City. This has been my dream for years and years. I knew the maps of the city by heart, everything, yet I failed to do what I could have to chase my dream. I was too comfortable in my own zone, in what I knew I was good in, too afraid to take a chance.

And now I will never know how living my dream feels like.

 

 

I miss my baby

Melancholy

Posted: August 9, 2012 in Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

I know I shouldn’t think that when I start working, my life and ideals will all be gone.

But at the age of 19, i already feel the same feeling of despair as if all my ideals have collapsed around me.

I really, really hate how much time is being wasted.. 8 months of my youth gone in this wretched holiday. No money, no freedom, nothing good out of this wait.

I can’t help remembering all my big dreams and ambitions I used to have.. Where have they gone? At this age, I wanted to be published, to be volunteering in Africa, to be backpacking across Europe in a gritty, unwashed state. Call me radical, but these have always been my dreams.

And now? I can barely bring myself to finish a book. I can barely get myself to type a page without giving up. Because the painful truth sets in: If you don’t try you won’t fail. And frankly, you WILL fail, because you will never be good enough, never will make it big like you thought you would.

I wanted to change the world, to save it. But now? I’m useless. Just another, ordinary person with ordinary problems.

Lonely/Pathetic

Posted: July 30, 2012 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain

Today I think i might talk about something not many people know about me.

It struck me today that I don’t really have many close friends. And I wonder why is that? What is wrong with me?

Forgive me if you are a close friend who is reading this, but I do feel very lonely this time.

I attributed it at first to my attitude before. I always had difficulty forming close intimate bonds. I have commitment issues. I used to mock those people with the friendship bracelets and so on but thinking back, maybe I was jealous.

I’ve never really had a best friend. Since I was 12? I never had a best friend. And that makes me feel lonely.

I have friends who are shy/quiet/ reclusive/not really a mushy wushy person either but they have a safely comfortable family of friends to call their own.

I’m not really saying I want a clique.. More like, if I got married next week, I’d have no one to be my bridesmaids. I’ve formed almost no lasting close friendships. I don’t have any lifelong old friends that I’ve kept in touch with. Maybe I’m to blame because I didn’t make an effort to keep in touch. Everyone who was a close friend is either busy, we don’t hang out anymore, they hang out with new people now, or we just don’t have much common ground to talk about anymore.

Perhaps I’ve changed and so has everyone.

In college? I feel that I have lots of friends. I’m friendly and I enjoy people’s company. But when it comes to the close details, I am always left out. People don’t ask me to their outings. It puzzles me. We seem to talk so much and have so much to talk about.. But when it comes to this or that, I am never the one who is called.

I know it sounds pathetic. But I don’t know. If it’s just I haven’t met the right friends yet or maybe it’s something to do with my personality that people can’t get close to. I don’t enjoy communicating as in texting, skyping and so on, so you can hardly count on me to reply texts with friends and so on. I barely even text my own boyfriend, I don’t like texting or chatting either. I like just meeting up and talking face to face. Maybe that’s why? I am always scared to open up to people.. I am scared people will judge me. Like how I used to lie when I was younger cause I was poorer than my friends and didn’t want people to know. But it feels that even when I try to open up, nothing comes of it.

People do see me as someone who dislikes being grouped with a group of friends too I feel. They see me as someone who enjoy being independent and etc. But at times, I just want at least one friend I can count on to not feel awkward with, to not leave me out, to be able to talk to about ANYTHING, to care about me and to be there for me if I wake up in the middle of the night in tears.

Until now, I don’t know what is wrong with me which hinders people from seeing me as a close, true friend. Can someone enlighten me? I never try to be offensive or overly sarcastic.. Yet I find that no one places me of importance in their life. What is that barrier around me? Do I put up a wall around people which prevents people from befriending me? I know I’m not the easiest person. When I’m in a good mood, I talk nonstop, but when I’m upset or what, I’m a very quiet person. I might have a few awkward silences of my own and I have difficulty spending too much time with people.. If i go out all night and all day with the same person (even boyfriend) I feel very smothered. At home, after socialising a few hours I need to lock up alone in my room for a while. But I know a lot of people like that too, but they all have close best friends.

Maybe I just haven’t met the right group of people with the same thinking and interests? I don’t know. I’ve long accepted that no matter how hard I try to be smart, funny or nice and likeable, I’m just not a charismatic person who is liked by first sight, aka “ren jian ren ai.” I know people whom everyone immediately likes and immediately wants to call out to every outing , whereas I remain one of those that people like, just never see as of any weightage.

I only pray one day that I am able to make lasting bonds and be able to be those people on Facebook I am so jealous of with all their “I am so lucky to have these friends!”

I feel seriously lonely. I’ve tried to stay in touch but it seems that I have to be the one making tremendous effort to call people out and I am still constantly left out. There comes a time when I give up asking people out and waiting to see if they would even think about me enough to want to see me.

Unhappy

Posted: July 8, 2012 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

Some times I wonder if I’m making a big mistake.

Part of me knows this is the right things to do, chasing my dreams so I don’t regret in the future. Of course I feel scared. What if I don’t get my offer and I end up with nothing? Or if I don’t get my offer and waste my 8 months without even something to look forward to? I keep thinking, I’d be back in KL next week if it wasn’t for me wanting to change courses. And I tell myself that’s just an 8 month obstacle I have to face in order to achieve my dreams in the coming years. But it is HARD.

I guess I’m glad I never went overseas for an education. Can you imagine? Moving to KL alone makes me feel this way, and I can go back regularly. If I studied in another country and came back guess how lonely and nostalgic I would be? This is plain torture. Maybe not for anyone else. But my life here at home is very cooped up, and added with my constant need to be around people it is my own problem for being this unhappy. Some people who can drive, have car, have money, or have lenient parents, even enjoy being back home. But everytime I’m home after a few days I just want to get back OUT there.

So I keep thinking of the months ahead, the lonely hard months. Somehow I wish I was living in a cramped apartment in KL, working my ass off being broke, and it would still be better than being home. At least there, I feel wanted. Over here, I feel that everyone has forgotten about me and moved on. It’s like how when you stand in the sand, there’s your footprints in the sand, but when the tide shifts that special niche that belonged to you is gone and swept away.

I have no idea why these months ahead seem so dark and despairing.. Loss of freedom? I find myself some days wanting to just go back to the old course and just going back where I belong instead of chasing my dream, and I have to stop myself.. Sigh..

I’m really unhappy.