Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Medically: A Broken Heart

Posted: December 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

I read an article about heartbreak. Apparently the part of the brain that processes heartbreak is the same as the part that processes actual real pain.

Emotional suffering and pain which causes activation of the vagus nerve which cause constriction of the chest and nausea (hence explaining that actual physical pain felt in the chest during moments of acute social rejection or grief). Apparently you can die from heartbreak, when the emotional suffering is too much, the brain releases a chemical that weakens heart tissue this triggering heart attack regardless of risk factors.

Interesting isn’t it? Sometimes I crave for pain to be physical. Living in emotional pain is like living with chronic pain.. Some days it’s bearable, and some days it’s a 10 on the pain scale.

Advertisements

Posted: October 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have always been a very emotional and sensitive person. Things that happen to me, I rarely forget. It sticks in me like a thorn, causing pain endlessly and even when it heals over, it’s always there. I’m always affected by things people say, people do, to me. I CAN’T brush it off. I dwell and dwell and I just don’t get over it.

Sometimes I imagine if I died from suicide. I can already sort of imagine. Person A will be asking Person B, “How come you didn’t know? I thought you were close to her!” and Person B would say “No i wasn’t! I always thought she and Person C were close?” And it goes on and on. Because most people think I have lots of friends, but truth is I have close to none.

“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. “

Robert Frost is my absolute favorite poet. 

Dear Daddy

Posted: October 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you? What is going to happen to me if i lose you? What is going to happen to us? You don’t know how much I worry about you, the more I learn in school the more aware I am that we could lose you anytime. It sucks that I’m away from home, and I’m not around to take care of you. I don’t know how everyone pretends it’s okay, no one cares, no one realizes.

Daddy, why is it that you can say to my face, ‘I don’t care, die then die la, I’ve had a hard life so I don’t mind dying’? Don’t you know you guys are what gets me through life? I want to study and be successful all because I want to give you a comfortable life in the future like you’ve never had. I want you to spend your senior years happy and comfortable and I want you to be there at my wedding, be there for my children, and I want them to know what a good grandfather you are.

Daddy you don’t realise how much I’ve grown up. I’m not your little girl anymore, can you let me take care of you instead? Daddy, can you please start listening to me and the doctors instead of being in denial? I know you haven’t been feeling well. I know you just lost one of your friends recently. How can you not be worried about yourself? Don’t you care about me and us?

What’s going to happen if you leave us? I don’t think I’ll even continue school. How can I if you’re the sole breadwinner? Will I leave my family to starve back here if you’re gone? You say ‘I won’t die in this 5 years until you graduate’ but how do you know? What if you’re not there at my graduation?

Haven’t you stopped to think that, if you die, IT WILL BE MY FAULT? I’m a medical student. I’m supposed to have known what steps to take to prevent it. But instead I lived in denial and it was too late for me to intervene. I’m a bad daughter for not having addressed this sooner, because if I had taken action sooner, we might not have lost you, we might not be suffering.

Do you want your death on my head, Daddy? Do you want me to blame myself forever? Don’t let me miss you at the age of 20. Don’t let my brother miss you at age 16. You can’t leave us so early, so please take care of your health. Maybe we haven’t been a good enough family to you. But at least you’ve raised me with love, and done everything for us to be comfortable. Please don’t give up on us now, when your children are about to be able to provide for you and give you a comfortable life.

I know it’s uncomfortable and awkward in this family to discuss such matters. To be emotional. To say I care about you so please take care of yourself. We show our affection by scolding, nagging, and that isn’t the best way to get you to take care of yourself. But now I’m pleading with you Dad, telling you that it’s been hard for us, please don’t make it harder for us.

Daddy, do you know how much I worry about you…? If you even had an idea.. Then would you please do this for me for once? Because I’m too young to be the head of the family. I can’t even drive yet. I’m too young for the burden, and we all still need you around. Please, don’t let me worry about you anymore. I love you daddy, and I’m sorry if I’ve failed you or disappointed you. Just give me a chance to make you proud, give me a chance to show you my white coat and give me a chance to let you hear people address me as Dr. Liew. All I ask is that you do it for me, and for us.

Protected: Dear Agony Aunt

Posted: July 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Strong

Posted: May 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

People think I’m independent and can do things by myself.

Sometimes after class, I loiter around for a while seeing if there’s anyone I can walk back home with. Then sometimes I give up or get impatient and walk back myself.

I think no one knows that during that walk back alone, I’m dying inside the whole time.

Some musings

Posted: March 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

There must be truth to what Xiaxue said in Pysche of A Plastic.

She stated that when an ugly girl gets plastic surgery no one really bothers. But when a pretty girl gets it everyone starts insulting the said girl.

I must admit I was shocked when I heard that Qiuqiu was getting a nose job. Precisely because her old nose was wonderful the way it is. When XX got her nose job, I understood, cause her old nose was really ugly. But Qiu? And some more, I don’t get the feeling that Qiu hated her old nose. But she just jumped on the PS bandwagon. Well, I admire that she just wants to upgrade herself higher and higher but since she didn’t hate her old nose in the first place I just think it’s a little dangerous because there are so many risks of extrusion and so on to her nose and it could turn out her new nose is much worse than her old, pretty nose.

But then again, it is her choice. Lol.

It is precisely 5 more days till I am back in KL and life resumes. I hope I won’t be too awkward and damaged by isolation by then. I would really like to find some good friends this year. Like best friend-worthy friends.

 

To not be spoken off again

Posted: December 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

Days pass without thought
With no escape and no mercy
I feel dead inside

Meaningless routines
Define my life as of now
No point, no happiness

What I seek isn’t here
What I need is deeper than
These days of dull toil

Enough! I say now
Of self pitying poetry
Which has broken rules

I’m not supposed
To write haikus like this
Because if you count

There are often 6
Syllables instead of 5
Lines that don’t make sense
Or don’t belong
Like this fifth line

I tried to storytell
But I failed miserably
So goodbye I say.