Archive for the ‘Wisdom in Rain’ Category

Birthdays

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Wisdom in Rain

My impending birthday fills me with dread.

I remember a few years back when every year I would be filled with wonder and that self-assured smugness that for one day, even if nobody else knew it, the world revolved around me. I did not care if anyone was going to be happy about it, but I was happy about it. I would yap on endlessly telling everybody, counting down obsessively. But now, I dread it, I fear it.

Why? Is it because of the growing expectation and silly rituals associated with a birthday? Or is it simply because I am self-conscious enough to know nobody gives a fuck.

I would like to pretend the day doesn’t happen and go on with my life. Please postpone my birthday for just one year, can that happen?

Honestly I trust nobody at all.

No one. I only trust myself alone.

No friends are trusted enough. Not even my boyfriend.

Because I know once anyone knows for real what/how I think, how life looks like from my vantage point, it will drive them all away.

I feel very empty nowadays. I only know how to go on living and breathing and shitting and dreaming, but I realize, I’m one year closer to death. As I type this, I am minutes closer and closer to death.

And I wonder how it will seem like when I have only minutes left, will life be different then? How ironic if the greyness of life turns colourful when it is draining out at the last moment.

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I started reading when I was 8 or 9. It all started when I borrowed an Enid Blyton book home and I couldn’t stop reading. I barely understood the words but I was so overjoyed at how I could immerse myself in a book for so many hours. And then began the Journey of Reading, which was a period of some 5 years of my life. I would read everywhere, bring a book everywhere, and read in the middle of class, in my bed secretly after Mum went to bed, and everywhere.

I feel like I’ve experienced so much through all these books I’ve read. I think that 50% of what I know doesn’t come from my education, but what books I read in my formative years. I had a rich childhood, full of magic and adventure and wonder with every turn of the page.

I dragged my family to read too. We visited 3 libraries every weekend, and when we got home it would be 7 or 8. After all books were borrowed I refused to go ANYWHERE but home to read. I read 4 or 5 books a day on weekends and I would devour them all. In the car between libraries I’d already start reading. My parents were happy but forced to sit in libraries every weekend. I made so many friends at libraries too, while browsing through the many racks. I did increasingly get self-conscious when people stared at me, a little girl borrowing 10-15 books from one library alone (we had multiple memberships).

I would finish all the books before each weekend visit, and photocopy those books that made an impact to me. I didn’t have ENOUGH books to read. I must have read all the books in the libraries. It became harder to choose books, because so many had been read! I must have read 500 books a year at least.

I revelled in not only fiction and literature, but also books about space, about the universe, learning about all the planets and their moons, the Egyptians and the Greeks and how they lived, cut-out 3D books about how the medieval people held sieges, books about how trains and escalators work, UNICEF books about all the children and all the cultures in the world, Amazing Facts books about our human bodies, and strange animal habits (our intestines stretched out would be kilometres long! there are butterflies which camouflage themselves to look like dangerous insects!)

I viewed life differently when I read shamelessly, openly, willingly. Now, I’ve become critical and self-conscious. Certain books I scoff at. Quality of books have dropped. I don’t want people to think I’m a bookworm. I wish I could immerse myself in books the way I used to , instead of just occasional “hmm that was a good book” afternoons when I find myself temporarily in that vortex untouched by fatigue, hunger or time.

I miss those simple times in my life when a new adventure started every time I opened a new book; when I felt sad when a book ended; when I dwelled and properly thought about a book that had impacted me, for example poverty, war, child abuse; learning about how the Egyptians lived, about the Roman baths, about the social status of women in Greek, what the children did in their spare time; learned history and inventions of things; learned that Io is fiery and Europa icy (Jupiter’s moons); learned so so much, that made me wise beyond my years.

So for that, I’d like to thank all the books which made me who I am today, thank you for teaching me all I need to know, thank you for colouring my childhood, thank you for being my friend when I was lonely, thank you because I was never bored when I was turning the pages, THANK YOU, for all the experiences and adventures you let me live through while sitting in my bed till the wee hours of the morning.

Posted: August 28, 2012 in Daily Rain, Wisdom in Rain

i surrounded myself with so many people I felt I should hang out with, people who study a lot, are smart, etc. To the point when I realised I wasn’t happy it was too late. Now I realise the friends I want all along, is not the kind whom can teach me about a subject if I’m unsure, but the kind who will go out shopping with me any time any day of the week just because there’s a party coming up.

you know what i’m saying?

in high school i judged people too much. those girls who were loud and always seemed to have SO much fun were all not the studying kind, not the smart kind, and I felt like okay since I’m in the best class I should maintain some boundaries and behave the way I should and befriend those I should. But now I regret a lot. Screw it with grades, kiasu-ness, comparison. I want to have fun, I want to have girlfriends who flunk out of school for all I care but whom I’m able to share a drink with and talk dirt with. To hell with it with judgement and expectations and stereotypes. Good girl, bad girl, they all don’t matter.

You only live once. Do what you want to, do what you feel is right.

A kind reminder

Posted: August 10, 2012 in Wisdom in Rain

I’m very please at my recent deletion from all social networking sites. But I’d like to just make a gentle reminder.

If ever I lose my stress all night because of Whatsapp messages containing vulgarities such as “Come on bitch are you scared”,

If ever I try to ignore you and Facebook becomes your battlefield with numerous Facebook posts calling me bitch in plain sight of everybody, to get my attention, and you will not remove it unless I talk to you,

If ever my friends try to protect me from abuse because what graffiti on my wall is supposed to be erased, and you employ your own reasons to justify how it is right to attack someone’s Facebook wall just so they will entertain yo.,

If ever I am forced to listen to you or call you when you’re angry or I am,

If ever I see any threats or blackmail or “Be very afraid” or anything at all cursing me or my boyfriend to fiery hell,

Then I will take action. Thanks. I hope this line is never crossed.

Melancholy

Posted: August 9, 2012 in Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

I know I shouldn’t think that when I start working, my life and ideals will all be gone.

But at the age of 19, i already feel the same feeling of despair as if all my ideals have collapsed around me.

I really, really hate how much time is being wasted.. 8 months of my youth gone in this wretched holiday. No money, no freedom, nothing good out of this wait.

I can’t help remembering all my big dreams and ambitions I used to have.. Where have they gone? At this age, I wanted to be published, to be volunteering in Africa, to be backpacking across Europe in a gritty, unwashed state. Call me radical, but these have always been my dreams.

And now? I can barely bring myself to finish a book. I can barely get myself to type a page without giving up. Because the painful truth sets in: If you don’t try you won’t fail. And frankly, you WILL fail, because you will never be good enough, never will make it big like you thought you would.

I wanted to change the world, to save it. But now? I’m useless. Just another, ordinary person with ordinary problems.

Unhappy

Posted: July 8, 2012 in Daily Rain, Sad in the Rain, Wisdom in Rain

Some times I wonder if I’m making a big mistake.

Part of me knows this is the right things to do, chasing my dreams so I don’t regret in the future. Of course I feel scared. What if I don’t get my offer and I end up with nothing? Or if I don’t get my offer and waste my 8 months without even something to look forward to? I keep thinking, I’d be back in KL next week if it wasn’t for me wanting to change courses. And I tell myself that’s just an 8 month obstacle I have to face in order to achieve my dreams in the coming years. But it is HARD.

I guess I’m glad I never went overseas for an education. Can you imagine? Moving to KL alone makes me feel this way, and I can go back regularly. If I studied in another country and came back guess how lonely and nostalgic I would be? This is plain torture. Maybe not for anyone else. But my life here at home is very cooped up, and added with my constant need to be around people it is my own problem for being this unhappy. Some people who can drive, have car, have money, or have lenient parents, even enjoy being back home. But everytime I’m home after a few days I just want to get back OUT there.

So I keep thinking of the months ahead, the lonely hard months. Somehow I wish I was living in a cramped apartment in KL, working my ass off being broke, and it would still be better than being home. At least there, I feel wanted. Over here, I feel that everyone has forgotten about me and moved on. It’s like how when you stand in the sand, there’s your footprints in the sand, but when the tide shifts that special niche that belonged to you is gone and swept away.

I have no idea why these months ahead seem so dark and despairing.. Loss of freedom? I find myself some days wanting to just go back to the old course and just going back where I belong instead of chasing my dream, and I have to stop myself.. Sigh..

I’m really unhappy.

Opinion Today

Posted: June 24, 2012 in Wisdom in Rain

When girls say they are lazy to use makeup, or don’t know how to, I find it acceptable but to say you don’t need makeup is a bit of a self-boost. I find that it’s polite for girls to use makeup on important occasions.. for example, going to a wedding with no makeup shows disrespect because you don’t even care about the event at all that you don’t even try to look your best and you instantly spoil every photo you take by looking ugly. I find it POLITE and RESPECTABLE to use makeup as a girl. I find that as a girl it is only expected that we use makeup! It’s just like wearing a skirt, if you’re feminine you should wear skirts as well as trousers. Whether you’re comfortable or not but beauty is for the beholder not for yourself.

As for the claim that makeup spoils your face, well it only applies if you have perfect skin in the first place. Just because someone uses makeup doesn’t mean they are insecure. I like my looks but I use makeup to make them better because I’m a perfectionist that way. It’s the equivalent to a person who never dyes, perms or straightens hair for fear of damaging the hair – quality is preserved but the hair looks ugly as it has never been chemically styled.

Just my two cents’ worth. As a girl it is only acceptable that you try your best to look good. That feminist crap about no shaving and no makeup and tomboyish-ness is just a ploy for equality, but we can never deny that women will be the fairer sex, and we should use the proper tools to enhance our looks. This doesn’t mean we’re demonstrating we need men’s help and depend on them but just that we have enough self-respect to look good in public.

Look at the magic of makeup!